Yes, Mr. Coupland, it IS all about me.

Yesterday I attended Douglas Coupland’s reading from "Hey Nostradamus". I admit it. I haven’t read the book but I will. I own a few of his books and have read a couple others. I’ve come across his articles in magazines over the past decade or so. The books I have read resonated with my soul. That much is true. So, of course I want to meet the man behind the words.

Douglas is a funny man. On stage, he spoke of many things. Many things that made me laugh inside. Many things that I cannot tell you about as they have already been forgotten. Now that I’m 30 my memory isn’t as good as it used to be. Perhaps my bad back is a contributing factor (Chronic back pain can result in a loss of 10% of grey matter. Did you know that?). Or maybe I think too much about nothing and my brain has purged the useful information. Or maybe I live in a world of constant media motion and my thoughts don’t have enough time to latch onto memory. All quite plausible.

A couple thoughts that I vaguely recall:

Cell phones ring long after the owner’s bodies are cold: A cacophony of sound attempting to contact the dead.

There is no need for pretension. I paid five dollars to see Douglas Coupland be himself and that is exactly what I got. Now that is strength of character (on his part, not mine). Much better than a tenured professor who likes to play around with his own intonation, and preen himself into an image of David Crosby while attempting to impress the audience and himself (while really only making an impression on my gag reflex). No, I’m not judgmental.

So, Douglas told funny stories. He related to themes in his book. He read from it. Then a local TV newscaster asked him some questions. Listening to him talk comforted me because he had to think about the answers. Sometimes he stumbled, jumped from one thought to another or lost his train of thought completely. I like that in a person. It’s a mirror of me. It makes me feel less stupid. Not everyone can be eloquent. Not all eloquent people can be interesting. There’s hope for me… unless I’m neither.

After a few questions from the audience, we shuffled our way over to the signing area. I get nervous when I meet people I admire. My poor friend had to endure my incessant chatter. Not pleasant for the guy ahead of us in line either, I’m sure.

The local TV station was filming the line up and interviewing people willing to speak their minds about Dougie. The aforementioned guy ahead of us in line was interviewed. My friend fled in a panic. She’s not into stardom or celluloid recognition. Hmm, guess they don’t use celluloid anymore, right? I digress. "I digress" is a pretentious sounding and overused expression. Once again, I digress. I noticed the guy being interviewed had ever-so-slightly trembling fingers and a small nervous twitch below his lip. Ah, he was nervous. How endearing! Next, the newscaster asked if I had something to say. I emphatically said NO.

Finally, we’re in front of Mr.Coupland. He shook my hand. I said "Hi, I’m Melanie. Just like on this piece of paper", and then shoved my books toward him with the little slip of paper with my name spelled correctly on it (A man went down the line earlier handing out these papers so we could speed up the process). The books are Girlfriend in a Coma and Microserfs. I requested him to personalize GIAC as it is such a "freaky cosmic" book. As he went to sign the page, he realized his name was already on there. "Did you buy it that way?" he asked. I nodded. He said he’d better sign it again a couple of times to prove that it is his signature. He then signed Microserfs and pointed to the back photo and said something about the photo being taken 12 years ago, how young he was, and how old he is now. I told him he’s distinguished or something similar. He counter offered the word "haggard". I didn’t know what to say. He went on to say something about being old, the passing of time and how he’s 43. I told him how I recently turned 30 and have noticed the passing of time as well. He asserted that 30 is the best age to be. He loved 30 to 34. Life is good…you're done with your thirties, your parents like you, you have energy or something (ok, i can't remember if he said that or not). It's when you hit 40 and it all falls apart (again, I'm paraphrasing) . I asked him if he had advice for me to prepare for 40. He told me to live in the moment and enjoy now. I said I would remember his words and maybe at 40 I’ll be okay because I had his warning. I wish I could remember this. It was a good little conversation we were having. I even asked a couple good questions. Give ME a camera and a microphone! More than that, I wanted to sit with him in my friend’s living room. Even better, I wanted him to be part of one of my board game parties. He would fit right in. After all, he is just "one of us".

He said hello to my friend and attempted to shake her hand. I think maybe she didn’t extend her hand or the timing was off because they had to do a little handshake dance before connecting. It was humorous. Douglas was amused. He asked my friend if her name was Irish. She said it was Norwegian (??). I butt in and said "what? I thought it was Irish too." She said "no, my family is Irish. The name isn’t." I’m shocked. Truly. I can’t remember what else they talked about.

I knew our time was up but I had one more thing to say. I told him how Girlfriend in a Coma is particularly interesting for me because two of the characters are born on my birthday which is September 2nd. The birthday also belongs to Keanu Reeves. The characters in the book are Megan and Karen. Same initials as Keanu and I have. Spooky (I don’t tell him about all the other weirdness I found in the book). He is surprised and questions me. "Really, that is Keanu’s birthday?" he asked. Yup, it is. I concur. He then said "well, really, it is all about you". I countered "thank you for confirming that. That's what I thought". After all, I do think it is all about me! That book is freaky! Well, ok… not ALL about me (or is that not AT all) …but there are some things that make me believe in an universal conscience.

We smiled and parted ways. I’m pleased I had the chance to meet Douglas finally after all this passing of time. And it’s always an eye-opener to have someone whom you admire tell you completely objectively that you’re overly self-involved. Ha, no kidding. Funny thing, the truth doesn’t hurt when it comes from Douglas Coupland.

At One with Nature

I'm not a religious person. However, I do believe that humans have a limited scope of the universe's reality. Therefore, I do believe in a power larger than myself. A power larger than anything my little brain can comprehend.

I am selfish enough to think that sometimes there are little signs in daily life that are meant just for me.

Today, I think I needed to see the "bigger" picture and so the universe showed me some of its highlights. I got off the bus and began the walk up the hill towards my workplace. A healthy looking robin greeted me from his branch on the tree to my left. Ahead on top of a short street lamp a very plump hawk was perched. How rare of a morning greeting is that? How auspicious! I slowed down to admire the presence and beauty of such a creature. I don't recall ever being so close to a live hawk before. I slowly crept closer and she flew to the grassy lawn on the right. I was lucky enough to see her full wing span. Again I got closer and she flew to 2 more locations before flying back to her trees. In the field towards her home I saw a groundhog frolicing around. I love groundhogs. Especially when they're warm and fuzzy.

Thanks universe for letting me see some of your beauty!

Going Uphill

I'm leery, I'm weary, get used to it!

I made it in to work this morning despite my feeling icky...very very icky. Definitely sick day material. But I don't want to take a sick day! I have deadlines. I have duties. I have my pride. So, here I am... cottonbrained and bleary-eyed, slumped at my desk and ready to face the day. I took my vitamin B. I've prepared my Maple tea. I've sorted through my emails. 2 hours until Tuesday coffee time. Free donut, free bagel, free muffin...take your pick!

I'm so proud of myself for dragging my sorry butt in to work today. You really have no idea! The good news is that I had one of those mornings where the minutes on my alarm clock moved slowly like molasses. I hate and dread the mornings where I hit my snooze button and in a blink of an eye 20 minutes can pass. Once in a while the Universe's Divine Will blesses me with the elongation of time and I get to laze in its sweet splendour.

Now I must format a manuscript and edit a PowerPoint presentation. Reality does indeed bite.

The Photo That Goes With My April 14th Entry

"I Heart My Scarf" - Fall 1993

Falling All Over The Place

It has happened again. I fell while running to catch the bus. This time it happened on the sidewalk on the hill outside my building. I was just slightly ahead of a half dozen or so students. I made a very nice demonstration of how to fall in an embarrassing manner. The contents of my bag scattered. My body was splayed out across the cement. I could feel the shock of my fall in the people behind me. I could envision their reactions... surprise, open mouths, concern, and even amusement. A kind girl asked if I was alright. I replied "oh yeah, I'm fine. This happens to me a lot". She looked confused. Ha! I rubbed my ankle and then started to get up. I began to gather the scattered items. A boy coming up the hill saw me and asked if I was alright. Again I said I was. This time I left out the part about the frequency of my falls.

I continued on my way down the hill. My only really nice pair of shoes were scuffed, and my pants had a large scuff mark. Hopefully it is just cement dust and will come out in the wash.
Both my palms were scratched. Both ankles are sore and slightly twisted. My whole right side hurts from foot to shoulder.

I get to the bus stop (I blame the bus for all of these falls... I can never tell if the bus will be five minutes early or five minutes late so I rush just in case. This has got to stop!). I wait for my friend to meet me as we're riding home together. She arrives and I relay the story to her. She laughs. I tell a funny story. I should be a comedian. I told her that I wasn't even embarrassed about falling because it happens so often. Infact, my lack of embarrassment is embarrassing. I'm pathetic. She later tells me that a guy at the bus stop was totally amused by my story. She said while he was on the bus he would people watch and whenever he got to me he would get a small smile on his face as if remembering my story. I also suspect he was behind me on the hill when I fell.

So, what did I learn from this experience? First, buses suck. Second, never run. Third, I need to wear a helmet. Fourth, I can make a difference in others' lives. I amused that guy at the bus stop, didn't I?

In Highschool and at Shawn's Wedding 

Shawn Still Hearts My Scarf

What a pleasant surprise!

Every morning I connect to one of three buses going past my workplace. On this particular morning I make my connection to the University bus. I sit my disheveled self down on a seat behind the driver. I'm feeling grumpy and unbeautiful as I had run out of the door with wet hair and no makeup (I usually curl my hair at work which takes all of 2 minutes. The makeup I apply at the bus stop and today there was no time...Yes, I'm total high maintenance hahahaha). I notice a guy across from me. He looks remarkably similar to a high school friend I once knew. Infact, just over a year ago I attended his wedding. His baseball cap is blocking a clear view of his face so I decide to move across the aisle to sit next to him. And so I do...

Indeed, it was him. I stared him straight on. He looked up. I smiled. He recognized. We caught up on the going ons in our lives. His wife is expecting!!!! How exciting!!!! I'm very happy for him!
We realized we work on the same campus! Who knew? I didn't.

We exchanged phone numbers. I told him my last name was still the same... for now. I wish I had taken the time to look at what he had written before I put the paper away. I didn't read it until I got into my office. It said "Shawn (he heart's your scarf!)" beside his phone number. There was a drawing of a heart rather than the word. That made me smile. You see, when I was in high school I had a mad crush on this fine friend. He was the sensitive, tortured, left-handed drummer poet boy. He would leave the province for months or years at a time. When I went off to college, he was away in British Columbia. We would exchange letters from time to time. Infact, I do believe he called me after my first day of school. An auspicious day as that was also the day I met my best friend, Jessica and my ex-boyfriend, Mike. A couple months into the college year (and greatly into the pining for Shawn) I sent a letter with a photocopy of a photo taken of me in photography class. I was wearing a scarf that I knitted in my last year of high school. I was quite fond of saying that I hearted my scarf. Which is not a fallacy as I do indeed have great love for this scarf! To be completely honest, I do look particularly attractive in this photo (I will try to remember to upload a copy of the photo to here). I think on the photo copy I had written "I heart my scarf".
Sadly (at the time), the story from my youth had a somewhat unhappy ending. Shawn was just not that into me. I didn't float his boat. I didn't make his heart go a-flutter. He did visit me once the following fall. Then we lost track until his wedding last year (I attended as a guest of his friend). Oh, and I saw him once or twice at the store where I was working at the time. And of course, we had to have a hug as that was our high school specialty!

And so I am pleased that I saw Shawn today and that he remembered how much I heart my scarf! He is a fine fine soul! :)

It’s a Sunshine Day!

All is well in the world. Love. Life. Sun. Food. Drink. Health.

I bought a California Mix salad (Mixed greens topped with trail mix, shredded carrot, cheddar cheese,garnished with mandarin oranges and served with our kiwi-mandarin orange dressing), a beverage (non-alcoholic…I’m working…geez!) and found a sunny spot on the grass near my building. While I ate, I read Paulo Coelho’s “The Alchemist”. It’s a very appropriate book to read at this point in my life. Well, maybe it is always appropriate…whatever!
Now I’m back from lunch and there is work to be done. Later Aligator!

Computer crashes and Houston vacations

Howdy y'all! I can only leave this short post for now but soon I'll leave a HUGE one! My home computer crashed over a week ago so I've been virtually absent from this virtual world. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I know how you all hang on my every word! HA!

I'm going to Houston for Easter. I'll post when I get back. Bye!

River Phoenix: Pointillism with Ink, 1993-1994 

something i came across today and thought i'd like to share 

Trees

That's all I seem to notice today... the snow on trees. Each branch must be covered with atleast 2 inches of snow. How do the trees not collapse in exhaustion?

So sleepy... that's me on this Wintery day.

Snow Snow Go Away

Winter can go now. I'm done with it.

Luckily, a friend has brought sunshine back into my life. Perhaps I can keep the clouds at bay.

That's all I have to say.

I'm sure I have many things to expound upon, however I choose not to. The thoughts in my head need time to become acquainted. My heart needs time to feel its own beat. My soul needs time to breathe.

I fear if I speak too much I will lose the magic I've found.

What day is it?

It happened again. This is the second occurence in the past week or so. Tonight I had a nap at 5:45pm. I set my snooze button to go off at 7:45 so I could watch "Survivor" with my best friend in her apartment. The next thing I know the alarm is going off and I'm completely disoriented. I look at the clock and groan thinking how I'm much to tired to get up for work. My second concern is that it is 7:45 and I start work at 7:55. But why is it so dark, I wonder. Then I realize... it is not the next morning. It's just the end of my nap. I was so completely deep in sleep I had no recollection of napping. I was out for the count.

Luckily, I snapped out of it and joined my friend for Survivor. Now I will read a bit before I resume sleeping. I've GOT to get a life!

I wrote a letter to my old love

I just emailed an old friend. An old love really. I guess I could call him that. All day (well, all week, month, year, decade... if you want to get technical) I've been in a rather grumpy and depressive mood. Such is life! I felt like crying on the bus ride home. That's always a warning sign that maybe I'm slipping into depression. I was hopeful that it is just my weariness with feeling sick, work stuff, my parents being away on vacation, my overwhelming lack of companionship, and winter. Crying might actually be therapeutic, I considered.

I came home, got into comfy clothes (lounge wear as I like to call it), fed my cat before she disrupted my neighbours with her meowing, and made my dinner. I settled in to watch a movie I've been waiting FOREVER to see. By forever I mean two things: 1) a decade since the first movie and 2) a year since i heard about this sequel. The first movie was Before Sunrise. The second movie is Before Sunset. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go view them. Then come back and talk to me.

I watched the movie... through tears.

I finished watching the movie and called my friend to say it was now my favourite movie.

I still felt the need to reach out and acknowledge my own past. Naturally I reached out to the person whom I met because of the movie. That is a story for a different day.

Anyway, this is the gist of what I emailed to him:

Hi (i put his name here... imagine that) ,

Long time...

I just watched Before Sunset finally. It made me cry. It wasn't a movie...it was life. Y'know? I feel old. I feel. Ah, that movie captured so much of what I am feeling about my own life. "Before Sunrise" captured the feelings of my youth...so hopeful, so full of pretense, and yet so sincere at the same time...that is how one is at 20. too wanting to be accepted, too wanting to live to the fullest, too wanting to be different. Then at 30 one feels so much more at ease with themselves. they can let go of the pretense. being liked isn't quite so important. just living is exhausting....somehow you can be more honest. Yet there is such an undercurrent of sadness... of disappointment, of loss... the hopeful exuberance of youth is all but gone. There is a pervading numbness. The movie made me cry. Where has my life lead me? I'm so sad.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. I chose to email you because the movie is what brought us together... even though our friendship has faded. It's funny... if I told people that the movie reminds me of you, they'd think the storyline is the reminder. But I don't relate "our" story to that one at all! Ha, not at all! Ours is a funny story...but not a love story! Not that kind of love anyway. Our story only relates to the movie because of how we met. Didn't I first email you on the bh90210 list because you were from Vienna and i had just seen Before Sunrise? I think so.

I have no story like in that movie. My story lies with the feelings they have about life ...but not with the love story. It makes me sad. But I guess the movie should give me hope. I've always wondered how they ended up in the movie. Now I know. It wasn't what I expected...it was better. I didn't know what to expect really. They made it very human.

One Thought At A Time

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have that drowning feeling. It's small and manageable for now. I keep telling myself "one thought at a time".

I have a good life. I'm blessed with a wonderful family, some good friends, a good job, a more than adequate standard of living (clean water, heat, shelter, worries over gaining weight rather than malnourishment), a comfortable living space, and relatively good health. There isn't much more I can ask for.

Yet, I am overwhelmed with being overwhelmed. It tires me. A pervasive sadness grabs me when I'm least expecting it. I am trying so hard to become less sensitive and to strengthen my will. I am a work in progress.

My parents are on vacation for two weeks. I'm happy that they are able to take vacations. Nothing pleases me more than their happiness. However, I hate these times when they're gone. For one thing, I am way too dependant on their existence. I look forward to talking with my Mom daily. It doesn't matter what we discuss as I just enjoy her company, and find comfort in her voice. When they are away, I am aware of their absence and my loneliness increases. I remind myself that they will return and I find other ways to fill my time.

However, these absences remind me of my parents' mortality. They won't be here forever. I worry that something bad could happen to them while they are away and I might never see them again. Of course, that could happen any time on any day when they're only living 20 minutes away. More so, I am forced to acknowledge my dependency to them and realize that someday the absence will be permanent. These occasional weeks will become the rest of my life. How will I find the strength to continue in a world where they are not within my reach? It is that thought that makes their being away so difficult. I know when the time comes I will survive. I just question what kind of existence it will be.

Ok, next post I'll try to be more positive.

The Art of War

Last week is over. Thank goodness! No one ever said the truth wasn't painful. I'd rather know the truth than be led through the world blindfolded. Now I can see the beauty where it belongs, and steer away from the dangers that were previously hidden from view.

This week I will make peace with my new outlook.

As Sun Tzu once said:

Knowing the other and knowing oneself,
in one hundred battles no danger
Not knowing the other, knowing oneself,
One victory, one loss
Not knowing the other and not knowing oneself,
in every battle certain defeat.
- the Art of War

I am disappointed to find out who my enemies are but value the new found knowledge. They are fools for underestimating my intelligence and inner strength. I might seem timid, mild, and insecure at the best of times but I like myself and know myself well. I'm just not good at promoting myself to others. This sometimes puts me in the shadows. That doesn't mean I'm not intelligent or talented. I'm just overlooked and others don't always notice my strengths.

I will work on making it clear that I am quite capable and strong. How else will I survive?

Quote of the Day

"I can doubt everything, except one thing, and that is the very fact that I doubt." -- Rene Descartes (1596 - 1650)

So Sweet I have to see the dentist

Yet again, I haven't much to say. I'm a bad bad bad blogger!
Today is Valentine's Day. It's a non-event day if you ask me. No, I don't hear anyone asking. I never get anything from admirers. I've gotten gifts & cards from family and from students. So, I don't want to talk about this special day.

I'm going to the dentist tonight to get my first EVER cavities filled. I have no idea what is involved in the filling process. Drills, bleeding, yelling, crying? I doubt it. I've had braces. This can't be worse than the sadistic torture performed regularly by orthodontists everywhere!

Why do I have cavities? Because I'm just so gosh darn sweet!

So, have a sweet Valentine's day everyone! Don't forget to brush!

The Eaton Centre