What day is it?

It happened again. This is the second occurence in the past week or so. Tonight I had a nap at 5:45pm. I set my snooze button to go off at 7:45 so I could watch "Survivor" with my best friend in her apartment. The next thing I know the alarm is going off and I'm completely disoriented. I look at the clock and groan thinking how I'm much to tired to get up for work. My second concern is that it is 7:45 and I start work at 7:55. But why is it so dark, I wonder. Then I realize... it is not the next morning. It's just the end of my nap. I was so completely deep in sleep I had no recollection of napping. I was out for the count.

Luckily, I snapped out of it and joined my friend for Survivor. Now I will read a bit before I resume sleeping. I've GOT to get a life!

I wrote a letter to my old love

I just emailed an old friend. An old love really. I guess I could call him that. All day (well, all week, month, year, decade... if you want to get technical) I've been in a rather grumpy and depressive mood. Such is life! I felt like crying on the bus ride home. That's always a warning sign that maybe I'm slipping into depression. I was hopeful that it is just my weariness with feeling sick, work stuff, my parents being away on vacation, my overwhelming lack of companionship, and winter. Crying might actually be therapeutic, I considered.

I came home, got into comfy clothes (lounge wear as I like to call it), fed my cat before she disrupted my neighbours with her meowing, and made my dinner. I settled in to watch a movie I've been waiting FOREVER to see. By forever I mean two things: 1) a decade since the first movie and 2) a year since i heard about this sequel. The first movie was Before Sunrise. The second movie is Before Sunset. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go view them. Then come back and talk to me.

I watched the movie... through tears.

I finished watching the movie and called my friend to say it was now my favourite movie.

I still felt the need to reach out and acknowledge my own past. Naturally I reached out to the person whom I met because of the movie. That is a story for a different day.

Anyway, this is the gist of what I emailed to him:

Hi (i put his name here... imagine that) ,

Long time...

I just watched Before Sunset finally. It made me cry. It wasn't a movie...it was life. Y'know? I feel old. I feel. Ah, that movie captured so much of what I am feeling about my own life. "Before Sunrise" captured the feelings of my youth...so hopeful, so full of pretense, and yet so sincere at the same time...that is how one is at 20. too wanting to be accepted, too wanting to live to the fullest, too wanting to be different. Then at 30 one feels so much more at ease with themselves. they can let go of the pretense. being liked isn't quite so important. just living is exhausting....somehow you can be more honest. Yet there is such an undercurrent of sadness... of disappointment, of loss... the hopeful exuberance of youth is all but gone. There is a pervading numbness. The movie made me cry. Where has my life lead me? I'm so sad.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. I chose to email you because the movie is what brought us together... even though our friendship has faded. It's funny... if I told people that the movie reminds me of you, they'd think the storyline is the reminder. But I don't relate "our" story to that one at all! Ha, not at all! Ours is a funny story...but not a love story! Not that kind of love anyway. Our story only relates to the movie because of how we met. Didn't I first email you on the bh90210 list because you were from Vienna and i had just seen Before Sunrise? I think so.

I have no story like in that movie. My story lies with the feelings they have about life ...but not with the love story. It makes me sad. But I guess the movie should give me hope. I've always wondered how they ended up in the movie. Now I know. It wasn't what I expected...it was better. I didn't know what to expect really. They made it very human.

One Thought At A Time

I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have that drowning feeling. It's small and manageable for now. I keep telling myself "one thought at a time".

I have a good life. I'm blessed with a wonderful family, some good friends, a good job, a more than adequate standard of living (clean water, heat, shelter, worries over gaining weight rather than malnourishment), a comfortable living space, and relatively good health. There isn't much more I can ask for.

Yet, I am overwhelmed with being overwhelmed. It tires me. A pervasive sadness grabs me when I'm least expecting it. I am trying so hard to become less sensitive and to strengthen my will. I am a work in progress.

My parents are on vacation for two weeks. I'm happy that they are able to take vacations. Nothing pleases me more than their happiness. However, I hate these times when they're gone. For one thing, I am way too dependant on their existence. I look forward to talking with my Mom daily. It doesn't matter what we discuss as I just enjoy her company, and find comfort in her voice. When they are away, I am aware of their absence and my loneliness increases. I remind myself that they will return and I find other ways to fill my time.

However, these absences remind me of my parents' mortality. They won't be here forever. I worry that something bad could happen to them while they are away and I might never see them again. Of course, that could happen any time on any day when they're only living 20 minutes away. More so, I am forced to acknowledge my dependency to them and realize that someday the absence will be permanent. These occasional weeks will become the rest of my life. How will I find the strength to continue in a world where they are not within my reach? It is that thought that makes their being away so difficult. I know when the time comes I will survive. I just question what kind of existence it will be.

Ok, next post I'll try to be more positive.

The Art of War

Last week is over. Thank goodness! No one ever said the truth wasn't painful. I'd rather know the truth than be led through the world blindfolded. Now I can see the beauty where it belongs, and steer away from the dangers that were previously hidden from view.

This week I will make peace with my new outlook.

As Sun Tzu once said:

Knowing the other and knowing oneself,
in one hundred battles no danger
Not knowing the other, knowing oneself,
One victory, one loss
Not knowing the other and not knowing oneself,
in every battle certain defeat.
- the Art of War

I am disappointed to find out who my enemies are but value the new found knowledge. They are fools for underestimating my intelligence and inner strength. I might seem timid, mild, and insecure at the best of times but I like myself and know myself well. I'm just not good at promoting myself to others. This sometimes puts me in the shadows. That doesn't mean I'm not intelligent or talented. I'm just overlooked and others don't always notice my strengths.

I will work on making it clear that I am quite capable and strong. How else will I survive?

Quote of the Day

"I can doubt everything, except one thing, and that is the very fact that I doubt." -- Rene Descartes (1596 - 1650)

So Sweet I have to see the dentist

Yet again, I haven't much to say. I'm a bad bad bad blogger!
Today is Valentine's Day. It's a non-event day if you ask me. No, I don't hear anyone asking. I never get anything from admirers. I've gotten gifts & cards from family and from students. So, I don't want to talk about this special day.

I'm going to the dentist tonight to get my first EVER cavities filled. I have no idea what is involved in the filling process. Drills, bleeding, yelling, crying? I doubt it. I've had braces. This can't be worse than the sadistic torture performed regularly by orthodontists everywhere!

Why do I have cavities? Because I'm just so gosh darn sweet!

So, have a sweet Valentine's day everyone! Don't forget to brush!

The Eaton Centre 

The Senator from across the street 

Union Station, Toronto

"The Senator" 

Left Feet & Maple Tea

Saturday Feb.5, 2005. This is how it went down.

8:10am - Foggy, mild.
Song - Dog on Wheels (Belle & Sebastian)
Location - Train 70 (Via Rail) - London to Toronto

What is going through my head?
My mom thinks I'm too old for knee socks. I think knee socks are keen. I cannot be stopped!

I knew a dog on wheels once. His name was Spike. He belonged to my next door neighbour. Poor doggy! I'd hate to be a doggy on wheels.

Song - Spill the Wine (The Animals)

Close call -
While waiting in the train station I spotted a co-worker whom I find extremely annoying. My greatest fear loomed ahead. If she saw me, would she try to sit next to me on the two hour train ride? The danger of traveling alone! Maybe she was going to Niagara Falls and would have to board a different car. Maybe she finds me as annoying as I find her! I could only hope.
Upon boarding, I chose two empty seats. I sat in the one closest to the aisle with my back to the aisle pretending to fumble through my bag in search of something. Stealing glances at the boarding passengers, I continued to rummage. Peeking behind me I saw that the co-worker had seated herself a few rows behind. I had succeeded in avoiding her and managed to snag myself an extra seat all to myself! Sweet victory!

Song - Euphoria (Firefly) - Delirium
Location - near Woodstock

The girl in the seat across the aisle next to me just leaned over and discarded her paper napkin into the little bag in the netting on the back of the seat ahead of me where I'm keeping my juice. If you had garbage, wouldn't you put it in your OWN space? Or wouldn't you either ask first, or even ask to have the bag and keep it in your own area? I would. I'll never understand human behaviour.

Fogginess.

My life is coming out of it's own grey fog. I've been enveloped for the past few years.

10:50 - The Senator (near Dundas and Yonge)

I'm waiting for my friend to arrive. I haven't seen him in three years. I expect we'll have an enjoyable and entertaining time. Toronto makes me a little sad still. C'est la vie! My friend will cheer me up. The Senator is the oldest restaurant in Toronto, or so I hear. It opened in 1890. I don't think that was the original name. It is very retro. I feel like I should be meeting with a famous person for an interview. It's that kind of place. Looks like a greasy spoon right from the 1950s. There is a cabinet by the cash full of old salt & pepper shaker sets. Coca Cola signs hang in various spots. A vintage Kelloggs cereal display hangs from the wall. I like it here.

I order an Earl Grey. I want the hot cider listed on their menu but they don't have any. My friend arrives. He orders Earl Grey. We laugh about the synchronicity of it all. I tell him I like his shirt and will take a photo. I grimace and make fun of myself for taking photos of everything. He understands and says he has brought his camera too. We laugh. He brings out his camera. We both have the same exact model of camera. Spookiness ensues. I do believe I heard Twilight Zone music. Perhaps not.

After brunch we head over to the Eaton Centre for some shopping. Not my favourite place, but I'm in search of something only to be found there. The store is gone. We move on to our next item on the itinerary: Kensington Market in Chinatown. I want to go to a Chinese Vegetarian grocery store in the back of a restaurant. I've brought along a cooler to keep the frozen foods solid. We arrive and I insist I treat my friend to a drink & snack. We decide we're hungry enough for a meal and veto our spaghetti dinner plans. He doesn't mind that all the food is vegetarian. We order won ton soup, dumplings, sweet & sour oyster mushrooms (OH I LOVE THESE!), spring rolls, and california rolls (the kind with avocado inside). I eye the Coke cooler but resist. I am determined to quit the Coca-Cola habit for good. I MUST!

Next, we go to a store that I've never seen before. It must have recently opened (although I haven't been in Kensington Market since June). It is called "Little Toyko" and features a variety of things Japanese. Anything from pottery to bath salts, Japanese videos & books, to foods of all kinds. I don't think my friend has ever seen me so excited. I must look at everything. I notice the bath salts first. They are called "ofuro salts" as ofuro means bath in Japanese. They sell three brands. I recognize the one brand that has Kanji characters and a picture of a Famous bath house called "Dogo Onsen". Onsen means "bath house" in Japanese. I am estatic!!! Dogo Onsen is in the city where I lived in Japan. Whenever my friend from Japan visits, she brings these salts to me. They are such a luxury item to me! I decide to buy two packets.

I end up making three separate purchases there throughout the afternoon. The owner woman is very happy with me. More because I am so excited than anything. She even starts to speak a little Japanese to me. I am honoured! My goods purchased: Bath salts, Wasabi rice snacks, yam flour to make Okonomiyaki with (and the owner gives me a recipe), frozen Edamame (soy beans in their pods), and a candy treat shaped like an ice cream cone.

We head over to a candy store located on the corner of Baldwin and Augusta (I think). I find maple tea there. I'm delighted! My friend says he would never have known there was a store hiding in the small space. I'm happy I'm showing him something new.

A childhood friend has recently opened up a store in this neighbourhood. The store sells shoes for Vegetarians. It is called "Left feet". I had forgotten the address but I know it is close by. We ask a pretty young woman dressed in a shaggy multi-coloured vest if she knows of the store. She perks up when we said they sell veggie shoes. She suggests we check the next corner. As we approach a series of store fronts I vibe that we're getting closer. Sure enough, the store is just steps ahead. Unfortunately, the window is covered in paper saying "Left Feet. Coming soon". I am disappointed. I could have used some new shoes! So I leave my business card for the owner with a message that says "I want shoes. Open up". I hope he gets it.

I have 2 hours to catch my train home. We are both feeling mellow and haven't any ideas about where to go. We're sick of paying for parking. I am usually a pedestrian in Toronto so this is quite a foreign concept to me. We decide to spend the next hour or so at Chapter's Bookstore. We browse separately .

My friend drops me off at the train station. My journey is over. I'm ready to go back home.

Stay tuned for photos...

Heart of Gold

Friday. Today is a friday. What a wonderful way to end a week! I really haven't much to say but I've been accused of infrequent blogging. Soooo...... I guess I had better think of something to say.
I was listening to my mini-disc today. Here are few of my favourite songs that I listened to:
Neil Young - Heart of gold
Daft Punk - Around the world
Dana Lyons - Song for River Phoenix
Joan Baez - Don't think twice, it's alright
Sam Cooke - What a wonderful world
Belle & Sebastian - forget the name.... has the line about getting hit with a full can of coke (which by the way is no joke)

That's all for now.

Peace out!