I wrote a letter to my old love

I just emailed an old friend. An old love really. I guess I could call him that. All day (well, all week, month, year, decade... if you want to get technical) I've been in a rather grumpy and depressive mood. Such is life! I felt like crying on the bus ride home. That's always a warning sign that maybe I'm slipping into depression. I was hopeful that it is just my weariness with feeling sick, work stuff, my parents being away on vacation, my overwhelming lack of companionship, and winter. Crying might actually be therapeutic, I considered.

I came home, got into comfy clothes (lounge wear as I like to call it), fed my cat before she disrupted my neighbours with her meowing, and made my dinner. I settled in to watch a movie I've been waiting FOREVER to see. By forever I mean two things: 1) a decade since the first movie and 2) a year since i heard about this sequel. The first movie was Before Sunrise. The second movie is Before Sunset. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go view them. Then come back and talk to me.

I watched the movie... through tears.

I finished watching the movie and called my friend to say it was now my favourite movie.

I still felt the need to reach out and acknowledge my own past. Naturally I reached out to the person whom I met because of the movie. That is a story for a different day.

Anyway, this is the gist of what I emailed to him:

Hi (i put his name here... imagine that) ,

Long time...

I just watched Before Sunset finally. It made me cry. It wasn't a movie...it was life. Y'know? I feel old. I feel. Ah, that movie captured so much of what I am feeling about my own life. "Before Sunrise" captured the feelings of my youth...so hopeful, so full of pretense, and yet so sincere at the same time...that is how one is at 20. too wanting to be accepted, too wanting to live to the fullest, too wanting to be different. Then at 30 one feels so much more at ease with themselves. they can let go of the pretense. being liked isn't quite so important. just living is exhausting....somehow you can be more honest. Yet there is such an undercurrent of sadness... of disappointment, of loss... the hopeful exuberance of youth is all but gone. There is a pervading numbness. The movie made me cry. Where has my life lead me? I'm so sad.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. I chose to email you because the movie is what brought us together... even though our friendship has faded. It's funny... if I told people that the movie reminds me of you, they'd think the storyline is the reminder. But I don't relate "our" story to that one at all! Ha, not at all! Ours is a funny story...but not a love story! Not that kind of love anyway. Our story only relates to the movie because of how we met. Didn't I first email you on the bh90210 list because you were from Vienna and i had just seen Before Sunrise? I think so.

I have no story like in that movie. My story lies with the feelings they have about life ...but not with the love story. It makes me sad. But I guess the movie should give me hope. I've always wondered how they ended up in the movie. Now I know. It wasn't what I expected...it was better. I didn't know what to expect really. They made it very human.